I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
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If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.