@Danny_McH2O

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁

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@NewDadNotes

Wife: [helping daughter with homework] Black Sea, Red Sea, name one more sea.

Daughter: fancy.

Me: lol.

Wife: did you tell her to say that?

Me: no.

Wife: ok.

Me: I was gonna say Vitamin.

@MeatloafComedy

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

@Ideal_Victoria

Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*

@PetrickSara

Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.

@mommy_cusses

Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.

@dril

so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement

@junejuly12

I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.

He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.

@trevso_electric

I don’t have bumper stickers because I don’t believe in anything strongly enough to potentially get my car keyed.

@PinkCamoTO

8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?

Me: Not since you were born.