I met a little girl who told me she fake-sneezes when she wants people to leave her alone and I found myself sitting at her feet and begging for enlightenment.

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Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
Biden: Okay.


Cat: *purr*

Me: Good morning!

Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*

Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!

Cat: *kneads me* *purr*

Me: Yes, I love you too!

Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*


I wish I were a celebrity so I could be wearing a person instead of a suit.


Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…

It was the bathroom…but still…


I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now


I would fake a heart attack but this coworker would just try to finish his story in the ambulance ride to the hospital.


stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay


Relationship status: Fumbled with a key for 5 mins trying to get it to fit into the lock the right way.

And I kinda moaned when it slid in.