@LittleMissAngr1

I met a little girl who told me she fake-sneezes when she wants people to leave her alone and I found myself sitting at her feet and begging for enlightenment.

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@blondecalamity

*waits for a sign*

*dead bird falls from sky*

*waits for another, better sign*

@autocorrects

Do I turn left when nothing is right? Or do I turn right when there’s nothing left?

@tweetsaboutdog

interviewer: how are you with excel?

me: i hate it

interviewer: an experienced user then

@BadLionGold

I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️

@thedad

[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows

@sarcasticmommy4

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

@squirrel74wkgn

*walks in at 3am*

Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.

[front door 5hrs later]

Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?

@PaperWash

“Sorry I’m late”

Why are there scratches all over your face?

“Jujitsu training”

You can scratch in jujitsu?

“It’s my cat’s best move”

@AnkCoupleTO

*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down