*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
I met a little girl who told me she fake-sneezes when she wants people to leave her alone and I found myself sitting at her feet and begging for enlightenment.
You Might Also Like
Do I turn left when nothing is right? Or do I turn right when there’s nothing left?
interviewer: how are you with excel?
me: i hate it
interviewer: an experienced user then
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
God: nobody knows
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.
[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down