Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
I met a little girl who told me she fake-sneezes when she wants people to leave her alone and I found myself sitting at her feet and begging for enlightenment.
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Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
I wish I were a celebrity so I could be wearing a person instead of a suit.
Stop rating olive oils on their level of promiscuity
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
I would fake a heart attack but this coworker would just try to finish his story in the ambulance ride to the hospital.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Relationship status: Fumbled with a key for 5 mins trying to get it to fit into the lock the right way.
And I kinda moaned when it slid in.