A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
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Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.