I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
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HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
this is what they would have looked like, though
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.