Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
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Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
beware of dog
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Pickled cat.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light