I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
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Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Proctology is located in A55
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste