Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
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Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Body by cheese-puffs.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
what’s really going on
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?