@Chay_Raghu

I met my wife on Tinder

* After 8 months of our marriage*

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@Extranaut

Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.

@BuckyIsotope

JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one

@cbdoubleu

[Imagine Dragons Concert]

me, a rebel: *thinking about cats*

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.

@L8yK8y

In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.

@aveuaskew

My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.

@MattLevy51

When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion

@hazelmotes1

Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn’t she?