I met my wife on Tinder

* After 8 months of our marriage*

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Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.


JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one


[Imagine Dragons Concert]

me, a rebel: *thinking about cats*


Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.


In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.


My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.


When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion


Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn’t she?