[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
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I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
My blood type is coffee.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.