I’m a big fan of wood. Mahogany. Cherry. Walnut. Morning.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
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Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, teach a man how to fish and he’ll spend his time singing baby shark from the boat.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
iPhone 5s fitted with fingerprint recognition.
I’ll sleep easier knowing that if my phone gets stolen, they’ll likely chop off my hand too.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?