I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
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Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍