@AllanForsyth

I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.

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@daddydoubts

Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:

8am: breakfast

8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap

6:30pm: dinner

7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep

@xysist

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, teach a man how to fish and he’ll spend his time singing baby shark from the boat.

@HeidiGolightly

Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?

Yes.

I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?

@djdarrellripley

Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Me: Boiling water?

Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.

@Darlainky

Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.

@PhoenixRises69

iPhone 5s fitted with fingerprint recognition.

I’ll sleep easier knowing that if my phone gets stolen, they’ll likely chop off my hand too.

@Bob_Janke

I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie

@skittle624

My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?