I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
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sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.