I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
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If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
A ghost story
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf