i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
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SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?