Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
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Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!