I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
You Might Also Like
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.