“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
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*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it