I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
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It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”