please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
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I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out