I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
You Might Also Like
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
I really had high hopes for this year though
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?