Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
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I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
oh you wanna fight?!
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.