@realHamOnWry

I miss being stalked. Especially now that I’ve gotten old and easy to catch.

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@lmwortho

I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.

@CAshmanActor

alien: greetings earthlings

me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language

alien: yeet us to yaass queen

me: *pinches nose* ffs

@AbbyHasIssues

Welcome to adulthood.

You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.

@SuperDuperDook

The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.

@MisterBombay

Eighteen is too young to get married. You can’t even buy alcohol. If you can’t drink, how are you going to make your marriage work?

@dumbbeezie

Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again

@ClichedOut

me: make me the coolest guy

genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u

me: son of a

@abbycohenwl

Bad Responses to “I love you”:
– I’m sorry
– Lol good luck with that
– Who isn’t?
– I know, mom
– Does that mean I can have your office
– You fool. You silly little fool
– Prove it by naming me as your sole life insurance beneficiary

@Lisabug74

I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.

She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”

@PrincessAlexx_

Sending 17 text messages explaining why you’re not crazy seems a little counterintuitive.