I miss being stalked. Especially now that I’ve gotten old and easy to catch.

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I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.


alien: greetings earthlings

me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language

alien: yeet us to yaass queen

me: *pinches nose* ffs


Welcome to adulthood.

You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.


The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.


Eighteen is too young to get married. You can’t even buy alcohol. If you can’t drink, how are you going to make your marriage work?


Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again


me: make me the coolest guy

genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u

me: son of a


Bad Responses to “I love you”:
– I’m sorry
– Lol good luck with that
– Who isn’t?
– I know, mom
– Does that mean I can have your office
– You fool. You silly little fool
– Prove it by naming me as your sole life insurance beneficiary


I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.

She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”


Sending 17 text messages explaining why you’re not crazy seems a little counterintuitive.