@realHamOnWry

I miss being stalked. Especially now that I’ve gotten old and easy to catch.

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@garrydavenport

“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.

@CantWaitToNap

An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.

@jaronmyers

There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field

I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan

@fro_vo

me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”

the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this

@MCaparco

“A Vegan…like Mr. Spock?”

“No mom…that’s a Vulcan.”

@ThugRaccoons

HR: We need to see you for a moment

Me: Is this about the nail clipping?

He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails

@mossperricone

lol at people who think they’re a hypochondriac for using WebMD. Hit me up when you’re paying urgent care doctors hundreds of dollars a month to say stuff like “if your throat was closing up, your throat would be closing up”

@Cpin42

[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss

@MarionDowling

Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.