@realHamOnWry

I miss being stalked. Especially now that I’ve gotten old and easy to catch.

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@Girl_Censored

A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.

@hell_homer

Gandalf chuckled to himself as the boat left shore. “I just noticed,” he whispered, “your name sounds like Dildo” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks

@tuckonthis

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

@KissabiX

The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle

@NoticablyBacon

The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?

@Steven37366100

I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas

@TheIronSherk

If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”

What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?

@DzNutz83

Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.

@canadasandra

[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!

@sip_at_home_mom

Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.

Me: Absolutely. Email me?