A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
I miss being stalked. Especially now that I’ve gotten old and easy to catch.
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“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
Th: But that’s your a-
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?