About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
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That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.