@Smooheed

I miss dating

The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…

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@iatemuggles

latin is a dead language because they kept summoning demons by accident during regular conversations

@adamlucidi

All my exes are engaged, married, and/or have kids. I’m single. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve won.

@Momtoteens

I’m sorry I tried to steal your baby, but my kids don’t smell good anymore.

@TheBoydP

Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.

@TheOnion

‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple

@WheelTod

*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter

“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”

@MsCongealiality

Bedible: Any kind of food you can successfully eat in bed without excess crummage or drippage