I miss dating

The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…

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latin is a dead language because they kept summoning demons by accident during regular conversations


All my exes are engaged, married, and/or have kids. I’m single. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve won.


I’m sorry I tried to steal your baby, but my kids don’t smell good anymore.


Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.


‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple


*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter

“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”


Bedible: Any kind of food you can successfully eat in bed without excess crummage or drippage