@Smooheed

I miss dating

The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…

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@ArfMeasures

Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying

Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home

@ShakesREMIX

My surname: ‘Ever.’ My given forename: ‘Superior’. Similar to a torn talofibular ligament, I am not one to be trifled with.

@UncleDuke1969

I’m not embarrassed.

I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.

(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no

@daemonic3

[at TED talk]

OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?

*entire crowd stands*

No a MEDICAL doctor

*entire crowd sits*

@TuSoonShakur

RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair

JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this

@Cheeseboy22

When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”

@cravin4

Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.

@AphroditeAfter5

My boyfriend wants to do it like three times a week—–together. He’s so demanding!