I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
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Show me on your wallet where you would like me to touch you.
latin is a dead language because they kept summoning demons by accident during regular conversations
All my exes are engaged, married, and/or have kids. I’m single. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve won.
I’m sorry I tried to steal your baby, but my kids don’t smell good anymore.
For the hoe on the go
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Bedible: Any kind of food you can successfully eat in bed without excess crummage or drippage