I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
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[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong