Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
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wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”