I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
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me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
😂😂😂
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…