“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
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I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
I’m too immature for adultery.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.