I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
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Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
@funTweeters
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs