I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
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Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog