@LizHackett

I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.

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@Wine_Honey1

Be careful how much wine you drink, might end up vacuuming the driveway in your panties

@ArtIsMyPorn

No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.

@ElKnuckelhombre

Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.

Me: Did it work?

@kelkulus

My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I throw birds at pig houses.

@AndrewChamings

[really awkward birthday party]

FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]

@bourgeoisalien

Them: If you were stranded on a desert island with any two people, living or dead, who would they be?

Me: Can they both be dead?

@UnFitz

If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.

*pee

@Writepop

I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.

@HomeWithPeanut

Inventor of beer: This will change the world.

Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]