I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
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Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
If only