*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
You Might Also Like
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
can’t believe I got front row seats
Seems legit
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.