@drinksmcgee

I miss the days when I could go and lick my neighbour’s doorknobs without fear.

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@camelSWAG69

[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week

@TheHyyyype

waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined

me: run it again

waiter: i ran it three times

me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?

her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again

@AndyVale

What do we want? CLICKBAIT

When do we want it? The answer will shock you.

@J0hnnyBlaze

The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”

@likeursoperfect

Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.

Him: we met six seconds ago.

@SCbchbum

A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream

@SaltyCorpse

Me: I work from home.

You: OMG that’s amazing. I want to do that someday! You’re so lucky!

Me: I also live at work.

@rickolantern

The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”

@yungfedora

*hits bong*

*abuses bong*

*bong calls bong protection agency*

*bong custody taken*

*bong put in foster home*

*bong misses old life*

@SeanEmeny

Being a fat guy at McDonald’s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business