[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
I miss the days when I could go and lick my neighbour’s doorknobs without fear.
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waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
What do we want? CLICKBAIT
When do we want it? The answer will shock you.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Me: I work from home.
You: OMG that’s amazing. I want to do that someday! You’re so lucky!
Me: I also live at work.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Being a fat guy at McDonald’s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business