@SladeWentworth

I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.

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@BavlyOlwy

“what do we want?” “faster Internet!” “when do we want it?”. Loading…

@notalogin

Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating

@CantEven101

Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.

@ShoutingGoddess

Psst. Don’t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your ‘team of writers’.

@Smethanie

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.

@leechee420

Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.

@Divergentmama

Eminem: two trailer park girls go round the outside

CDC: absolutely not

@ellenfromnowon

the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE