I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
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I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”