@badbanana
@undonestar
Sorry you got offended that I pre-sold tickets to your funeral.
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@undonestar
@murrman5
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
@ObscureGent
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
@lizetagge
Before. b-e-f-o-r-e, not B4. We speak English, Not bingo…
@lloydrang
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
@DurtMcHurtt
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
@_ElvishPresley_
ME: if you’re really a psychic then how many bagel bites do I have in my pockets
PSYCHIATRIST: I said I was a psychiat–
ME: nope 67
@Mikecanrant
The reason I like Twitter is because the ladies on here LIKE being followed. Unlike like little miss restraining order down the street.
@WhatevaConc
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
@mortimermaiden
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.