I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
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What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.