Sorry you got offended that I pre-sold tickets to your funeral.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
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im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Before. b-e-f-o-r-e, not B4. We speak English, Not bingo…
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
ME: if you’re really a psychic then how many bagel bites do I have in my pockets
PSYCHIATRIST: I said I was a psychiat–
ME: nope 67
The reason I like Twitter is because the ladies on here LIKE being followed. Unlike like little miss restraining order down the street.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.