I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

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Sorry you got offended that I pre-sold tickets to your funeral.


im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
*presses start and mario just sits down*


Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up

Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out

Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie


Before. b-e-f-o-r-e, not B4. We speak English, Not bingo…


Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.

I am wearing a house.


When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.


ME: if you’re really a psychic then how many bagel bites do I have in my pockets

PSYCHIATRIST: I said I was a psychiat–

ME: nope 67


The reason I like Twitter is because the ladies on here LIKE being followed. Unlike like little miss restraining order down the street.


Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.