I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
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Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.