@Social_Mime

I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.

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@stephenjmolloy

Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”

Me: “My personal identification number number?”

*he stabs me*

@Sleinso

I am at my most drunk when I go from chat room to chat room yelling WHO STOLE MY POPTART!!

@eff_yeah_steph

Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?

God: Yes.

Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?

God: Horizontal Pupils

Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*

God: YouTube is gonna love you.

@MarfSalvador

Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]

@KeetPotato

me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”

@mom_ontherocks

No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now

@Parentpains

Sometimes you just need to reach out and touch someone. With a shovel. On the side of the head.

@vladchoc

Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you

@flashember

Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.

Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?

“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”

@MDthrice

*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.