Earth: Goodnight Moon
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
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Coworker: I need someone in the backfill position
Brain: Do. Not. Say. Anything.
Me: um hopefully you fill the gap soon
Brain: oh dear
I hate waiting in line. I wish this guy would hurry up and pick a suspect.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Every chick magazine ever:
You’re beautiful and are perfect just the way you are!
How to loose ten pounds in ten days you fat, ugly cow.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
My top 3 assumptions when the doorbell rings:
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. The book I ordered about positive thinking
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.