I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
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My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Is this you?
I love the honesty
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
me linking you to my twitter
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.