I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
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Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.