I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
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Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Breaking news:
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”