I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
You Might Also Like
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.