Shout out to everybody home for the holidays telling their family about conversations that happened online by saying “My, uh… friend said…”
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
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Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
her: i love astrology
me: are u sexually attracted to jupiter be honest
her: that’s astronomy, and yes
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]