Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@50NerdsofGrey

‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.

@AnkCoupleTO

[estate planning]

Advisor: Have you thought about an end-of-life gift?
Me: I’ll be dead, that’s a big enough gift for everyone

@Cali_Kid_Mike

“What’s math?”

– people who give 110%

@Brohamulet

Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.

@shutupheav

The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children

@JohnLyonTweets

I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.

@Gooooats

Instead of food, I put a note in my kid’s lunchbox that says, “just steal a sandwich from one of the weaker children.”

@HelenMaryMe

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink, until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theater.

@Awk0Tacoo

I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*

@ChabbyD

You mix your whiskey with Coke, I mix mine with poor life choices.