@tigersgoroooar
@anildash
Shout out to everybody home for the holidays telling their family about conversations that happened online by saying “My, uh… friend said…”
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@anildash
@Cheeseboy22
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
@heyevergreen
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
@Ideal_Victoria
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
@funnybeachgirl
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
@jazz_inmypants
her: i love astrology
me: are u sexually attracted to jupiter be honest
her: that’s astronomy, and yes
@LurkAtHomeMom
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
@thagr8short1
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
@AngryRaccoon2
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
@huntigula
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]