I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
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[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS