I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
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date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
I did some self care this morning. Got up early, took vitamins, did situps, ordered a new liver from Amazon
Him: you’re so cool
Him: …and aloof
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
I just spent the last four hours connecting all of my watches together to make a belt.
Complete waist of time.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
I want to pick up a hitchhiker before I die. Not like right before I die, but you know.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd