Just saw a Fiat 500 smash into a Smart Car on I-95. Cutest. Thing. Ever.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
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There is nothing stopping a condom company from saying they are the only condoms worn by Santa Claus
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Jesus said to Peter, “Come forth and I will give you eternal glory.”
Peter came fifth and won a toaster.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.