I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
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This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
every single time
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*