@icrushedmyhalo

I miss you like an idiot misses the point.

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@continentlbkfst

date: I’m really into dark humor

me, turning off the lights:

wanna hear a joke

@AbleLikes

I did some self care this morning. Got up early, took vitamins, did situps, ordered a new liver from Amazon

@junejuly12

Him: you’re so cool

Me: thanks

Him: …and aloof

Me: thanks

Him: it’s like you were raised by cats

Me: *licks his face* huh?

@M3lissaMcDonald

I just spent the last four hours connecting all of my watches together to make a belt.

Complete waist of time.

@MissLynette13

Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.

@Ivsy01

Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.

@LindseyEllison2

I want to pick up a hitchhiker before I die. Not like right before I die, but you know.

@Amburglar_

Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd