I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
You Might Also Like
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
my fav colour is also hitler
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Twitter fine art
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”