*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
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“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo