“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
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The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
My therapist wants me to start coming in twice a week probably because I’m super interesting
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
saying “u should smile more”
-she wont like it
-will not make her smile
saying “lemme see ur mouth bones”
-she also will not like it probably
-nope she definitely wont