@AbbyHasIssues

I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

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@WilliamRodgers

My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!

Until the dog humped the couch

@rad_milk

i always get gatorade and gasoline confused. my car is real good at sports and im dead

@SortaBad

“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon

@Steven37366100

Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?

Me: What kind of gravy do you have?

@FeelingEuphoric

ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight

PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*

@IvoryGazelle

[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery

@Monathais

Husband and wife near wishing well. Suddenly wife slips and fell in the well. Terrified husband: Noooooooooo…I can’t believe it’s working!

@karanbirtinna

Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.

Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.

@michaelianblack

Ted Cruz thinks:
1. Presidents should pray every day
2. More prayers the better
3. Muslims pray 5x day
4. Ted Cruz wants a Muslim president.