I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
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My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
A Short Story.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive