I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
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My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive