I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

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Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos


I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

Send bail money.


Apparently saying, “Oh, I just came to watch” makes everyone else uncomfortable in the Pilates class.


[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”

“You have 999 new matches”


It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.


*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*


wife: [holding our newborn] isn’t he amazing

me: [setting up a squat rack in the hospital room] we’ll see


I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.


Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.