@AbbyHasIssues

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

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@RobertManchild

Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos

@she_oops

I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

Send bail money.

@Brianhopecomedy

Apparently saying, “Oh, I just came to watch” makes everyone else uncomfortable in the Pilates class.

@TheRolo

[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”

“You have 999 new matches”

@Midgetspar

It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.

@TheBeerGuy_

*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*

@donttouchjames

wife: [holding our newborn] isn’t he amazing

me: [setting up a squat rack in the hospital room] we’ll see

@WheelTod

I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.

@sofarrsogud

Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.