I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
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WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”