I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
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When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.