@hazelmotes1

“I missed you so much!” I shout as I run past my wife’s open arms and jump into my bed.

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@ShanaRose21

My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.

@lord_zaidi

Don’t understand how people my age have children. I’m children

@Schmoodles

I’m doing ‘Angry Yoga’ tonight.

It’s just lying on a mat and drinking a bottle of wine as I shout at my thighs.

@RunwayDan

“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”

These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.

@JessicaVarsity

I always carry a lighter in case I end up at an impromptu concert…or need to set someone’s house on fire. Either way, I’m prepared.

@Mr_Kapowski

Lady Astronaut: *eats all the chocolate*

Guy Astronaut: You know we’re on the space shuttle for-

LA: SHUTTLE YOUR MOUTH AND GIVE ME SPACE

@Slim_is_Fat

(Watching Liar Liar)

Wife: If you couldn’t lie for 24 hrs, how much longer would we be married?

Me: Until the end of this movie.

@GaryJanetti

I just found out five people I went to high school with are dead. What’s taking the rest of them so long?

@kumailn

Every text from my mom is the most heart breaking thing I’ve ever read. Until the next text from my mom.

@omgthatspunny

Do you know why the Little Mermaid wears seashells? Because A and B shells were too small