“I missed you so much!” I shout as I run past my wife’s open arms and jump into my bed.

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My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.


Don’t understand how people my age have children. I’m children


I’m doing ‘Angry Yoga’ tonight.

It’s just lying on a mat and drinking a bottle of wine as I shout at my thighs.


“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”

These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.


I always carry a lighter in case I end up at an impromptu concert…or need to set someone’s house on fire. Either way, I’m prepared.


Lady Astronaut: *eats all the chocolate*

Guy Astronaut: You know we’re on the space shuttle for-



(Watching Liar Liar)

Wife: If you couldn’t lie for 24 hrs, how much longer would we be married?

Me: Until the end of this movie.


I just found out five people I went to high school with are dead. What’s taking the rest of them so long?


Every text from my mom is the most heart breaking thing I’ve ever read. Until the next text from my mom.


Do you know why the Little Mermaid wears seashells? Because A and B shells were too small