I missed you with all my darts
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Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Terribly Tuesday.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
The devil.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.