I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
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It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
not to brag, but mine was free
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.